ONE.

Today was a very special day.  I can't even believe it, but Ben is now a ONE year old!  This blows my mind.  He has grown and changed so much in the past year.  Born a month early and weighing just over six pounds, now he's over 20 lbs and his personality is really starting to take shape.  He gives a huge grin and claps with excitement when you enter his room in the morning.  He waves at everyone and is starting to point at things that interest him. He loves ducks and Mickey Mouse and his gloworm and allllll the books. He's not a fan of being in the car seat for long rides and he is super squiggly during diaper changes.  But he sleeps through the night and eats like a champ and is starting to spontaneously laugh at things and it's pretty much the greatest thing ever.  We had his birthday party last weekend and he hammed it up for everyone.  He discovered the true joy of smashing his face into a cake and being the center of attention as he listened to everybody sing "Happy Birthday." Here are some photos from the past several months:

courtesy of Dusty Slate Co.

I had a follow-up CT scan of my chest in September, and while some fibrous-type stuff (I don't remember the official medical term at the moment) showed up on one side of my lungs, it's most likely a residual result of radiation, and my doctors aren't concerned.  I also had my first MRI, which was clear and not as claustrophobic as I anticipated.  I also had another mammogram and breast ultrasound at some point and though they noted a few small cysts, nothing looked cancerous so I got the all-clear.  Next up is a PET scan the first week of December.  I've never had one before, so I'm a little nervous about it but hopeful that it will give me peace of mind that I remain in remission.

Remission is a wonderful place to be, but it comes with it's share of annoyances.  I continue to have a chronic backache (hoping the PET will ease any fears that this is cancer-related).  The neuropathy in my hands still lingers, making it difficult to type for extended periods of time.  I have to take frequent breaks because my hand will repeatedly fall asleep; sometimes it can take up to 20 minutes to taper off.  This is pretty frustrating when trying to get work done, or when driving, or trying to sleep, as it often wakes me up at night.  Combined with the hot flashes (not to mention 90 degree heat in the middle of NOVEMBER!!), a brain that just isn't as sharp as it used to be, weight gain thanks to my meds, and hair that I'm thankful is growing back but is going through a series of awkward phases, most days I just feel....blah.  But, whenever I start to complain about these things, I remind myself "at least you're not dead," and look at Ben who is most likely doing something cute.  That usually puts things back into perspective pretty quick :)

I also think of the other cancer moms who weren't lucky enough to deal with all of these side effects, who didn't get to see their babies celebrate their first birthday, who didn't deserve to die.  I'm not at all trying to be melodramatic about this...it is unfortunately a sad reality for a lot of young mothers, and it's not fair.  Getting scans every few months is like a morbid game of hot potato; each clear scan is a sigh of relief that you were able to pass the potato and live in relative peace for a few more months.  But there is always a lingering feeling of waiting for the potato to come around again, and hoping the music doesn't stop when it's in your hand.  

I am excited for the future.  Jeremy is about to complete his Master's degree, which will be a HUGE achievement considering everything that's been going on in our life. This summer we're planning to finally take the cruise that we never got to take when I was first diagnosed, and just relax and not worry about anything for a week. Charley continues to require a lot of time and patience; it's a lot of work taking care of him but until he lets us know that he's not happy anymore or is in too much pain, we will continue to love him (and let him lick the plate).

Hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving!  Thanks for taking the time to read :)

-Dee