Hi, my name is Ben.

On Thursday, November 20th, 2014 at 1:14pm, Benjamin David arrived. He weighed in at 6lbs.2oz, was 18 inches long, and immediately demonstrated a very healthy set of lungs. Despite being almost 5 weeks premature, he had zero complications and didn't have to go to the NICU.  We are so happy with how things turned out!  Ben had no choice but to fight his way to be here and Jeremy and I couldn't be more proud of him.

Welcome to the world, Sweet Potato.

I'll post more details about his birth story later, as well as the status of my cancer treatments (in a nutshell, I'm on a break from chemo to allow a few weeks recovery from the c-section).  For now, here are some pictures from Ben's first few days as an official member of our family :)

We have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  Hope everyone gets to enjoy the holiday surrounded by people they love!

Induction Day is Here!

I'm 35 and 1/2 weeks today and scheduled to start the induction process at 5pm, which means today is full of anticipation!  We're so excited to meet Benjamin but can't believe the big moment is finally approaching.  Here's what's been going on over the past few weeks:

The nursery is just about finished...

...all that's missing is Sweet Potato!

All things considered, life has been pretty uneventful lately (at least for our new normal). After my last AC chemo on 10/28, I started to feel sick on Halloween and that following weekend.  It was relatively short-lived, however, and I went back to work the next week. I continued to have doctor's appointments pretty much daily, sometimes twice per day. My post-chemo labwork was good and the induction date was confirmed, exactly 3 weeks following my last chemo, at the point when I should be feeling my strongest/healthiest. The plan is to try and have a normal delivery, because recovery time will be shorter and I can then start the next rounds of chemo as soon as possible (i.e. possibly less than 1 week after I deliver).  If I end up with a c-section, the chemo might be delayed a few days to allow for recovery.  

I've been told that most people tolerate the new chemo drug (Taxol) better than my previous cocktail.  The primary side effects are: fatigue, joint/muscle pain, low blood counts, hair loss, neuropathy (numbness of hands and feet), and some people have allergic reactions upon getting the first dose.  However, I've seen that many women who have been treated for cancer during pregnancy actually report that Taxol hit them a lot harder than they expected.  So basically, things can go either way.  I'll be having 12 weekly treatments over the course of the next 3 months.  I'm sad that this might affect bonding with the baby, as I'll have to leave him every week for treatment, and then possibly deal with the side effects as the week goes on.  I'm not able to breastfeed due to the chemo (not to mention only being able to operate at 50% capacity in the first place...).  I'm just hoping to push through and am SO THANKFUL that we have a great support group nearby who are ready and waiting to help us get through any rough patches :)

On 11/6, I went to my OB for another non-stress test, the 2nd one that week.  I went by myself, and the nurse set me up on the monitors and said she'd check me in about 20 minutes.  After what felt like at least 40 minutes, she finally returned and said the doctor was finishing up with another patient and would be in shortly.  Another 15 minutes went by and I was starting to get restless!  My appointment was right before lunchtime and the hallway started to sound pretty quiet, so I was convinced they forgot about me.  I started clearing my throat and readjusting my position, so the crinkly paper they put on the exam table would make some noise to get their attention.  The room was hot and pregnant ladies don't deal with heat!  Finally, the doctor came in, looked at the data from the monitors, and said she didn't see the baby's heart rate accelerate enough times.  She wanted to send me for a bio-physical profile (a special kind of ultrasound test).  Since they don't do these in their office, she told me to head to the hospital so I could have it done there.  Not what I wanted to hear, as I was planning to work in the afternoon.

I sent my husband an "it's not an emergency, but..."  text and he called back after a few minutes.  We debated whether it'd be worth it for him to leave work (as a teacher, he can't exactly just drop everything and run).  I told him it was no big deal and he could just meet me at the hospital later that afternoon.  But, he didn't want me to go by myself, so he made arrangements to have someone take over his class.  Sidenote: his entire school has been so amazing throughout this journey.  He's been coming home with meals made by teachers or PTA members 3 times a week, his team of coworkers have helped carry the weight of the 1,000 some-odd tasks that teachers are expected to attend to every day, and his administrators have been very understanding.  He has this huge team rooting for us, and I've never even met the majority of them.  Saying "thanks" just doesn't seem like enough.

We headed to the hospital's labor and delivery unit and a nurse set me up on some monitors again.  The non-stress test here is so much easier.  You don't need to press the Jeopardy button every time you feel movement, you can just lay there and let the monitor...monitor.  Much more relaxing this way!  Ben's heart rate looked great and she observed several accelerations in a matter of minutes.  Gee, wish he would've showed off like this an hour ago!  Next, a technician came in to do the ultrasound.  For a bio-physical profile, the tech has 30 minutes to observe four specific behaviors:  heart rate, muscle tone/movement, breathing, and amniotic fluid.  For each behavior that's observed, the baby gets 2 "points".  Ben quickly earned 6 points for heart rate, movement, and fluid levels.  The final behavior that he needed to demonstrate was breathing.  Since babies don't actually breathe in the womb, they just practice how to do it.  Then, when they're born, their muscle memory kicks in and they'll know what to do.  In order to earn his final 2 points, he needed to practice this for at least 60 seconds.  So we all stared at the screen waiting to see the very subtle up/down motion of his chest.  He did this several times, but the duration wasn't long enough for him to earn points.  So, Jeremy and I were left waiting while the tech reported back to my OB to see what she wanted me to do next.  

The monitor of truth.

One of many non-stress tests.  Hooray for Skittles!

Lo and behold, the OB wanted to admit me overnight, so I could stay hooked up to monitors and re-take the biophysical profile in the morning.  Totally wasn't expecting this to turn into such a big deal, so needless to say I was a cranky patient.  My main complaint about having so many doctors on my treatment team is that sometimes they don't communicate with each other.  Several times my OB has said things like, "I left a message with him" (meaning the MFM specialist, who happens to be FEMALE).  I really trust the maternal fetal medicine specialist, because she's dealt with pregnant cancer patients before (unlike my OB).  If the MFM isn't worried about something,  then I don't worry about it either.   My OB on the other hand, is overly cautious, and I just wish she consulted with the MFM before sending me for excessive tests, monitoring, etc.  While of course it's been nice that we get to keep a closer eye on the baby,  it does cause added stress,  which is something I'm trying to minimize with everything else that's already on my plate.  Not to mention I had to cancel a bunch of work appointments (translation: loss of wages) and cough up more co-pays for the hospital stay...we try to put the financial aspects of all this aside for the time being, but it does get annoying to feel like we're paying for things unnecessarily.  Even several of the nurses directly asked us, "so...why are you being kept overnight?"

Ok, rant over.  My parents were able to go to our house to pack us a few things, and take care of Charley.  And then Jeremy and I basically just tossed and turned until the next morning because sleeping in a hospital usually sucks!  At around 3am I awoke to the sounds of the woman in the next room giving birth, which was initially so terrifying that I considered tearing off my monitors and making a run for it; but a few moments later I heard a baby crying and was reminded that the end result is well worth it. 

The next morning we got ready for the ultrasound and I was told to drink juice and eat a good breakfast to ensure an active baby.  Challenge accepted!  I strategically waited until just before the ultrasound to down a cup of orange juice and eat some toast covered in jelly.  Then all we could do is cross our fingers and hope that Ben cooperated!  Sure enough, he did, though the breathing behavior was again the last thing we waited to see. After that, it was back to the room to wait and be discharged.  

But wait!  We had to get permission from the OB in order to leave, who happened to be down the hall doing a delivery.  So again we waited, and waited....and finally she came in, only to tell me that she wanted me to get hooked up to the heart-rate monitors again and then contact the MFM specialist, as she thought it would be best for the specialist to determine whether or not I could leave.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  She certainly didn't ask for the specialist's opinions when it came to admitting me in the first place.  She then proceeded to lecture me that because this is a high risk pregnancy, we're keeping a closer eye on things.  She also referenced my "issues" with high blood pressure and gestational diabetes, both of which are complete non-issues.  My blood pressure has been great throughout, and the only time my glucose has spiked is after getting doped up on steroids during chemo, which is one of the side effects.  It returns to normal once the steroids are out of my system.  I began to wonder if she even knew which patient she was talking to or if I needed to school her on the effects of drug interactions?    

Thankfully, the specialist called back right away and said that I could leave.  So we high-tailed it out of there as quickly as possible before anyone could change their minds.

My frenzy of appointments died down for a few days, allowing us to tie up loose ends and make sure the house is ready for Sweet Potato!  Jeremy also started his leave from work, which means we'll both be off from now until January (well, mostly off at least).  He's also been scrambling to finish up a huge project for his graduate course so we can finally just concentrate on becoming a family of 3 (well, 4...if Charley is reading this.  He's a very intelligent dog, afterall).  

He loves to help open gifts/bask in the tissue paper :)

In the past two days leading up to the induction, the MFM suggested that I get steroid shots, to help give Ben's lung development a quick boost.  While this is more beneficial when given to babies delivered at younger gestational ages, she explained that in my case, it might not make a huge difference, but it's not going to hurt either (aside from temporarily making my blood sugar increase).  I've pretty much "graduated" from her care at this point, which was bittersweet because she's a fantastic doctor.  She provided me with her personal cell phone and email, to keep in touch.  I'm so happy that Ben had such a caring person to look out for him as he continued to grow.  And grow he has!  The last weight estimate at 34 and 1/2 weeks put him at 5lbs 9oz, which is right in the 47th percentile. It'll be interesting to see how accurate the estimate is (and it won't be too much longer until we find out!)

Thank you again to everyone who takes the time to read this, and thank you for the continued prayers that are sent our way.  We feel the love.

The Countdown to Baby Begins!

lil' pumpkin for the Pumpkin :)

I've spent the past few weeks working a little bit, while balancing an increasing number of doctor appointments.  We're approaching my last AC chemo treatment and are beginning to pinpoint the safest timeframe to schedule Sweet Potato's induction at around 35-36 weeks gestation.  

Some people have wondered why I have to be induced.  Basically, my treatment team would like me to move to the next step of treatment as soon as possible, which involves 12 weekly rounds of Taxol, a chemo drug that is unsafe for baby.  Chemo is more effective when it's administered consistently and in a cumulative manner.  If we waited until I was full-term, too much time would lapse between treatments, which is no bueno.  Not to mention, my cancer is stage 3 and pretty f***ing aggressive, so we need to keep this train moving so I can get on with living!

Therefore, I'll be induced on November 18th, allow some time for recovery, and then immediately start the Taxol.  Babies born at this gestational age tend to do fairly well, and though there's a possibility that he might spend a day or two in the NICU, it's just as likely that he won't need to go there at all.  The plan is to have a normal delivery, though obviously a c-section will be the back-up plan if there are any complications.  

Here are some highlights from the past couple weeks:

10/20/14:  Today Jeremy had the day off, so I tagged along with him to his appointment with our primary care physician.  He wanted to get a flu and T-dap shot, which are recommended for anyone planning to be around infants in the near future.  It was weird to not be the patient for once!  Due to chemo, I'm not able to get these vaccines until I get clearance from my oncologist.  Last time Jeremy was here, he passed out like a sack of potatoes after they did bloodwork, so today the doctor and his office staff didn't hesitate to jokingly remind him about it.  He's kind of a legend there now.  Our doctor also provided a good recommendation for a local pediatrician, where he personally takes his own children.  Lately we've been so concerned just managing our day to day lives that we haven't given as much thought to all of the things that need to be done once the baby is actually here.  We gotta get into parenting mode, quick...

About an hour later, we headed to another appointment, this time my OB.  They set me up for something called a non-stress test.  This is a simple procedure that's used to monitor the baby's movements and heart-rate.  It's called a "non-stress" test because it doesn't bother the baby at all.  But I have to say that it was a little stressful for me!  First, they place a monitor on your belly to listen to baby's heartbeat, and another monitor to check if you're having contractions.  Then, they give you a hand-held clicker (like the buzzers on Jeopardy) and instruct you to press the button every single time you feel the baby move. Ideally, baby's heart-rate should accelerate with each movement, which would indicate that they're getting enough oxygen.   The nurse leaves the room for twenty minutes or so and the pressure is on! With every little movement, I had to decide...was that the baby moving, or just my stomach growling?  At times, Jeremy would try to talk to me and was quickly shushed.  If this was a test, me and the baby were going to get an A+, dammit! After 20 minutes, the doctor came in and reviewed the data. She was able to see a few accelerations of the heart-rate that correlated with when I pressed the button, and was satisfied with the results. I'll be getting this test done twice per week from now on, to ensure that things continue to go smoothly.

10/21/14:  I had a call from the OB's office, saying that they'd like me to start checking my blood pressure daily.  They also sent in a script for a 24-hour urine test, which detects if there are elevated proteins that indicate blood pressure problems. Apparently, my blood pressure was slightly elevated when she checked it yesterday, so she decided to take a few extra precautions to make sure I'm not developing preeclampsia (simply put-high blood pressure during pregnancy).  Not sure why all of this was brought up after the fact and not during my office visit?  Guess my bodily fluids are in high demand these days. 

The next issue was trying to figure out when I could feasibly take this test.  You basically have to fill a jug with your urine every single time you go, for 24 consecutive hours.  It has to stay refrigerated.  It has to be dropped off at the lab as soon as the 24 hours are up.  You then have to stay at the lab for complete bloodwork.  Looking at my parade of appointments over the next week, not to mention the weekend, when the lab is closed, there weren't any days where I could take this test.  And with another chemo coming up soon, I wondered if those medications would alter the results of the test.  So many variables to consider, it makes my head spin.

10/22/14:  Today was another ultrasound with the maternal-fetal-medicine specialist. Jeremy and my dad came along this time, who had never seen an ultrasound before.  He spent most of the day in anxious anticipation (love you, dad!).  The ultrasound was great and we got good news all around from the doctor.  Currently, baby's weight is estimated to be about 4lbs, which is right in the average range.  We also discussed my glucose screening results from a few weeks ago. Instead of sending me for a 3-hour test, she suggested that I simply start checking my sugars at home 4 times per day.  Though this might seem more inconvenient than a one-time test, I feel more comfortable tracking things this way, so she wrote a script for a home testing kit.  She's curious to see how the chemo drugs and steroid medications will affect my sugar; she hypothesized that my sugars will increase, so she's kind of using me as a guinea pig to see if this will be the case.

10/25/14:  All of this testing business was put aside for the weekend, as it was time for our baby shower!  My mom, mother-in-law, sister, and brother all worked together to create a really special day for Jeremy and I.  Words can't express how bittersweet it was that so many people took time from their busy lives (and drove from near and far...and some from very, very far) to show their support and love for us. It was a rollercoaster of emotions as we celebrated one of the happiest times in our life, in conjunction with the biggest challenge we've ever faced.  Our baby boy has absolutely everything he needs, and already knows how much he is loved.  To those of you who were able to share this special day with us...thank you.  And thanks to the many of you who were there in spirit <3

10/28/14:  I got the all-clear to go ahead with my 4th chemo treatment, yay!  This will be the last one for Sweet Potato to endure.  I'm so proud of him for staying strong and going through this with me.  I truly believe that somehow we've managed to protect each other from all of the crazy things that chemo can do to you.  Side effects haven't been nearly as rough as I expected them to be and though a part of me keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop, overall I feel very lucky.

Hooray for baby's last chemo!

My view for the day.

My most favoritest nurse accessed my port with ease (seriously, she is the best).  I casually asked if she'd be working on Friday (Halloween...good times), when I come back for IV fluids, as that's when I tend to run into issues with the port.  She said she'd be there, and we had a silent wink-wink understanding that she'd be the one to access my port again, which was a big relief.  The next 6 hours passed with minimal drama and I headed home feeling super sleepy.  Thanks mom for coming along with me :)

My blood pressure has been perfect since I started tracking it about a week ago, usually averaging around 115/76.  And so far, my sugars have been on track as well (once I figured out how to correctly use the testing kit).  Ain't nobody got time for gestational diabetes! However, now that I've just completed a chemo treatment, the levels are expected to fluctuate for a couple days.

When I got home from chemo, I was greeted with a very special note...

So there you have it.  "Sweet Potato" officially has a name.  Benjamin David, we are counting down the days to finally meet you.

Keep Calm (and try not to pass out)

Over the weekend before my 3rd chemo, Jeremy and I signed up for a group tour of the Labor & Delivery unit at the hospital where we'll finally meet our Sweet Potato!  We made it a "date day" by going to lunch and a movie before the tour, which was on Sunday afternoon.  The official guide called in sick that day, so we had a haphazard tour by a nurse who essentially read notes from a piece of paper at lightning speed.  In any case, it was nice to get a sneak peak at the rooms and familiarize ourselves with the whole process.  I've heard great things about the unit (which is at the same hospital where I go for chemo), so despite the underwhelming tour, I'm still excited and optimistic that we'll have a great experience there.

That evening, I started to feel a little sick, and woke up in the middle of the night with what I'll vaguely describe as "gastrointestinal issues."  I was also nauseous and just generally not feeling like myself.  I had an appointment with my oncologist that Monday morning (10/6), so I let him know about my symptoms.  But, he didn't seem too concerned, as I didn't have a fever.  He suggested that perhaps I was getting a little nervous, since it was the day before my next chemo.  I had labwork done and went home to rest for a few hours before my second appointment of the day at the OB.

That afternoon, I had my monthly prenatal exam.  I'm 30 weeks now and the belly is really starting to show itself!  My mom came along and got to hold the doppler to find baby's heartbeat, which is always music to my ears.  I learned the results of the glucose screening test that I took the week before.  Most tests have a cut-off of 140, meaning that in order to pass, your results have to be less than 140.  But for whatever reason, the test I took has a cut-off of 135.  My score?  137.  So, that meant I "failed" by TWO POINTS!  Not what I wanted to hear, as this basically means more bloodwork, and more trying to figure out when I'm feeling "well" enough to go and take the test.  I'm irritated that by most standards, I was within the normal range!  The 3-hour test involves fasting and then getting blood drawn every hour, for 3 hours.  Most people will switch arms for each draw, to give their veins a break.  But, I'm only able to have blood drawn from one side, so this is another concern that makes me incredibly not-excited to take the test. Scar tissue is already starting to develop around the veins in my "good" arm, due to all of the labwork. Ew.

Needless to say, I left the OB appointment feeling a little annoyed.  I also still felt sick and just wanted to go home and try to sleep it off.  I laid down around 4pm, and was down for the count.  I continued with the stomach issues, nausea, and now had a headache and fever that was creeping up.  Jeremy monitored it every hour, as I'm supposed to contact the oncologist if it reaches 100.4 (this would be a sign of a developing infection, which would be bad news the day before chemo).  Luckily, it only reached 100.1 and then began to taper off.  I continued my marathon sleep session and hoped that I'd feel better in the morning, because if not, the chemo treatment would probably have to be delayed.

Charley, my napping buddy <3

I felt substantially better on Tuesday morning, and was able to go ahead with treatment as planned.   My vitals were good, though the nurse noted that my pulse was high, around 123.  This time my dad got initiated into the "chemo club" and I must say that I'm very proud of him!  Not many dads have to deal with two daughters simultaneously going through cancer treatment, and I'm lucky my parents live nearby and are ready and willing to help out any way they can. We settled in for our 6-hour session and earned a Starbucks on the way home.

For the next two days I felt pretty good, all things considered (this is likely due to the steroid pill that I take on the two mornings following each chemo).  On those days, I am pretty much a hermit and don't leave the house.  On Friday (10/10), my dad took me back to the hospital for IV fluids.  The nurse had a hard time accessing my port again, which has happened one other time when I came in for fluids.  She could insert the needle just fine, but couldn't get a blood return.  Two more nurses were called over to troubleshoot, as well as a student nurse who was there to observe.  Because the port is located between my armpit/neck, the nurses have to lean in really close to get the job done. So, a tiny room with four nurses in my face, plus my poor dad who was just trying to stay out of their way...I quickly started to feel lightheaded and sweaty.  I asked for some water and then said I felt like I might vomit.  I commend the student nurse who did a stellar job fetching me a barf bag.  Everyone started moving slowly and their voices became very faint and that's when I realized that I was about to pass out!  Thankfully the nurses also realized what was happening and were able to intervene to keep things from getting to that point.  They theorized that maybe the reason they're having trouble with the port is because I was dehydrated.  Despite drinking a ton of water, I should probably drink even more, because afterall, I'm sharing it with the baby :)  So, I ended up with a regular IV, and was given some breathing room.  Kudos to my dad for keeping calm, cool, and collected!  I'm glad I could provide some entertainment for everyone.

After a few hours on the IV drip, it was time to go home.  But, I heard some chatter near the nurse's station about how they couldn't let me go home until they messed with the port again.  Apparently, they needed to flush it out with Heparin, a drug used to prevent blood clots.  They couldn't send me home without doing this.  I also heard mention of trying it with the "long needle."  My dad and I looked at each other wide-eyed and I yelled to the nurse that a short needle would work just fine!  Luckily, my favorite nurse took the lead this time; she has a way of calmly explaining what she's doing and I feel much more comfortable when she does it.  And finally, SUCCESS!  I should add a disclaimer that having a port is actually a good thing.  Most of the time, it works like a charm and is essentially pain-free.  I don't want to unintentionally scare anyone who might be getting a port...they really are great :)

My brother-in-law had a little setback right around this time.  It's been over two months since his open heart surgery, and he'd just been given the all-clear to return to work when he experienced some weird feelings in his chest.  He went to the ER and ended up being admitted overnight.  After a bunch of tests they were able to pinpoint that nothing major was wrong, but rather an issue that could be addressed with a medication adjustment. We were worried about him but are happy that everything is ok and he's back home!  My sister has her 5th chemo tomorrow...so please take a moment and send some good thoughts her way. She's on the home stretch now!

Chemo Brain + Pregnancy Brain = Where did I put the milk cap?

First off, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so....yay for that!  However, I consider July to be the month that I became "aware" of breast cancer, so even though I'm glad this month will bring attention to the cause, I'm not a huge fan of companies jumping on the pink bandwagon to try and drum up business under the guise of charity.  In meeting other women with breast cancer, I've realized that this month is actually a very emotional time for many of them, having to see reminders EVERYWHERE; you can't even buy a can of soup without seeing pink ribbons plastered all over the packaging!  It makes you wonder how much of the proceeds actually end up in the right place.  And tongue-in-cheek phrases like "Save the tatas" take on a different meaning when you weren't able to save your own.  While that sort of thing doesn't personally bother me that much, I definitely have a new perspective for women who might take issue with it.  So I guess my advice is:  see your doctor right away if you ever suspect anything is wrong, do your research before blindly supporting or otherwise donating to companies who claim to support breast cancer research/awareness, and maybe take the pink-ness overload down a notch :)

My second round of chemo was on September 16th.  I met a 24-year-old going through treatment... shoot, I thought I was young!  She was just starting her first round of Taxol, which is the next medication I'll start immediately after I have the baby.  Turns out we have the same team of doctors, and we both have a thing for Disney (she got married on a Disney cruise and I got married at Disney World).  We compared our wedding pics and our side effects and our opinions of our doctors and then went on our merry way like this was a totally normal interaction.

This time around I definitely experienced a lot of fatigue, starting two days after treatment.  I went into a sleepy fog, and slept off and on for several days.  The weather was also rainy/cloudy during this time so that definitely contributed to my reluctance to get out of bed!  I returned to the hospital for IV fluids on 9/19 which went off without a hitch.  After that, my mom and I (tiredly) drove to an appointment to get fitted for a prosthesis. This basically consisted of some new bras and a silicone "chicken cutlet" that makes me look considerably less lopsided in comparison to the sad little temporary insert that I got right after surgery. Luckily, my insurance covered the fitting because I'm sure if I had to pay out-of-pocket the going rate would be something like one milllllllllion dollars (cue Dr. Evil voice).

I'm getting used to my hair (or lack thereof).  Though I haven't ventured out in public yet without wearing a hat, I must say that it feels nice to not have to go through the daily annoyance of washing/drying/straightening/brushing my hair.  The hair loss has slowed down in the past week or so.  I can't tell if it's trying to grow back already, or if it's just at a standstill?  In the meantime, Jeremy thinks my head feels like a fuzzy baby bird.  He tells me how pretty I am and I'm 99.9% certain that he genuinely means it and isn't just feeding me lines. :)

Best quilt ever.

On Monday 9/22, I had a followup and bloodwork with the oncologist at 9am.  I was feeling motivated that morning and actually saw a client beforehand, so that I could just go home and take the rest of the day off.  The doctor was happy and surprised to hear that I haven't experienced many side effects.  He doesn't really have an explanation for it (when in doubt, blame it on hormones I guess), but said it's possible that somehow the pregnancy is helping to lessen the blow, so to speak.  As long as Sweet Potato is still growing and thriving, that's fine by me!

For the next two weeks, I returned to work.  This was my first venture visiting clients since I lost my hair.  As a behavior analyst, I work with people of all ages who have autism and other developmental disabilities.  I'll admit I was a little anxious to visit some of them, as they aren't used to seeing me look "different". I worried that a few might try to pull off my hat or even become aggressive because they have difficulty adapting to change and/or communicating their frustration.  But, it turned out that I had nothing to worry about and I was able to carry on, business as usual, without a single issue.  Here's a snippet of a conversation I recently had on one of my visits:

Client:  So how's that cancer goin'?
Me:  It's good, I'm taking special medicine to help me get better.
Client:  What kind of medicine? Is it free? Dont worry, I won't tell nobody.
Me:  It's medicine I get from my doctor.  No, its not free...
Client:  Well at least ya living and ya ain't dyin'!
(Touche).

On 9/25, I had a one-month follow up with my surgeon, Dr. A.  She checked my incision, which continues to heal just fine.  I also learned the results of my genetic testing:  negative.  In a nutshell, this means that I don't have any specific genetic markers that put me at higher-risk in the future for several types of cancer.  While this is generally good news, it doesn't really explain "why" I'm having to deal with my current diagnosis.  The doctor recommended talking to a genetic counselor to gain more understanding of the results, which will help me to decide what, if any, preventative measures I might take in the future.  But for now, those types of decisions are completely on the back burner.

I'm 7 months (29 weeks) pregnant now, and on 10/3 we had an appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist to check on baby boy and see how he's progressing. Jeremy took a half-day from work, and my mother-in-law also came along for a sneak peek at her first grandchild!  We are SO happy to report that's he weighs over 3 lbs. now! That means he gained almost a full pound over the past three weeks.  Everything is looking perfect and he was kind enough to show us his face this time.  We can't wait to meet him in person :)

Other random news

I recently learned of a little something called "chemo brain."  Basically, it's a term used to describe feelings of forgetfulness, "spacing out," trouble concentrating, etc. that people experience during and after treatment.  As luck would have it, there's also something called "pregnancy brain" which involves the same type of symptoms.   Needless to say, I admit I feel like I've been losing a few brain cells recently!  

One day I poured a bowl of cereal, and immediately misplaced the milk cap.  Within seconds, I had absolutely no recollection of where I put it.  I checked the countertop, floor, trashcan, the silverware drawer, the fridge, my purse?  I improvised and covered the milk container with some plastic wrap.  That was over a week ago and still no clue where the cap went!  I find myself having to proofread emails and work documents more carefully, as my grammar seems to be getting a little sloppy.  I feel easily overwhelmed when trying to focus on tasks, like helping my husband with his graduate school course (he's training to become a behavior analyst, like myself).  I've also occasionally mispronounced words or said words out of order, and didn't notice unless someone pointed it out to me.  I'm sure these issues are short term but in the meantime at least I have some valid excuses!

My sister completed her 4th round of chemo on 9/23.  Treatments have hit her harder than me, because her meds are different.  The day after each chemo, she gets a Neulasta shot intended to boost her white blood cells.  The result is feeling like she has the flu, coupled with severe joint/bone pain, fatigue, mouth sores, and food tasting weird.  She's handling it like a champ, though, and has just TWO more treatments to go before she moves to the next phase!  Her husband (AKA my favorite brother-in-law!) is continuing to recover from open heart surgery and will be returning to work next week.  Let's hope the Steelers redeem themselves on Sunday, because surely it wasn't good for his heart to watch them lose last week (to the BUCS, of all teams!)

Third round of chemo is October 7th and I say BRING IT ON!

As always, thanks to everyone for keeping all of us in your thoughts and prayers.  xoxo

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

It's been three weeks since my first chemo treatment, and I must say that things have gone pretty smoothly!  I didn't experience many side effects, and got back to my normal routine about 6 days later, despite the oncologist advising that I stay home for 10 days. My current plan of action is to simply work when I'm feeling good, and stay home when I'm not.  And of course, try to avoid anyone who might be sick.  I feel very fortunate to have a job that allows me to do this fairly easily.  If I worked a typical 9-5, I imagine it'd be a lot more difficult!  But, no work=no money, so I'm trying to keep things balanced.

Three days after chemo, I returned to the hospital for IV fluids.  My mom came along to keep me company.  The same nurse who administered my chemo came to work with me again, but she had trouble accessing my port.  She was able to insert the needle just fine, but couldn't get a blood return, which I presume is necessary to ensure that it's working right. After calling over a few other nurses to mess with it for a while, they still couldn't get it and decided to just administer fluids with a regular IV.  A minor setback, but I'm really hoping they don't have trouble with it when I go back for my next treatment.  Ain't nobody got time to be a human pin cushion!  I got fluids for about 2 hours and then headed home.  

I had an upcoming appointment for a dental cleaning and x-rays, but my dentist first wanted me to confirm with my oncologist that a cleaning would be ok.  So I called the oncologist's office and they advised that I cancel the cleaning, to avoid risk of bleeding/infection.  I take pretty good care of my teeth, so hopefully it won't be a big deal that I'll have to postpone this for a while.

Over Labor Day weekend we celebrated Jeremy's birthday!  It was literally a game-day decision, because I had no idea how I'd be feeling, but I felt decent and wanted to get out of the house.  So, I got us tickets to the Red Sox-Rays game and we thoroughly enjoyed watching the Red Sox lose (and my dad thoroughly enjoyed giving Jeremy a hard time about it in his Rays shirt and Joe Maddon glasses).

Some leave happy, some leave sad!

Over the next two weeks I worked a pretty regular schedule, albeit at half-speed.  On 9/9, I checked in with my regular OB.  Sweet Potato's heartbeat was nice and strong and I measured right on target at 25 weeks.  On 9/12, I had an appointment with the MFM specialist.  Jeremy left work a little bit early so he and my mom could come along.  I had an ultrasound and we enjoyed watching the baby move around, though he preferred to turn his back to us so we couldn't get any decent pictures!  We caught a glimpse of him opening his eyes and mouth but mostly he just showcased the top of his head and his back.  But, everything looks great and he now weighs about 2.4 lbs...he's gained over a pound in the past 3 weeks and is even measuring a little ahead of schedule.  No growth restrictions here! 

One of the moments I'd been dreading began to happen exactly two weeks after chemo. The oncologist said that hair loss would begin around 10-14 days after treatment.  And on the 14th day, his prediction proved correct.  It started out as just a few extra strands when I brushed my hair, but got progressively worse each day.  By the end of the week, it was coming out by the handful.  I knew it was time to say goodbye.

Until we meet again, hair.

I made plans to go to a salon for a buzzcut on 9/13.  The night before, I took some time to cry and be upset about it.  Not gonna lie, it was more like a hyperventilating freak-out sobfest.  I'm learning that cancer isn't just a physical challenge, but also emotional and mental.  I'd read that out of all the side effects that chemo brings, people fear losing their hair the most.  And now, I was starting to understand why.  It's like losing your security blanket...losing your hair means that you will now wear a giant neon sign pointing out the fact that you're sick.  Add that to the attention that any typical pregnancy brings, and it just feels completely overwhelming!   Some people like to have fun with the process, by getting a crazy haircut or ridiculous wig, but I just wanted to get it over with and go home until the shock wears off.  I know it's not permanent.  I know it will grow back.  I know it's a sign that the chemo drugs are doing their job. But it still sucks!

So the next day I headed to the salon, mentally prepared to get the show on the road.  But, after quickly assessing my hair, the stylist felt that I didn't "need" to shave my head just yet.  She suggested that I get a really short cut and wait and see, because some people don't actually lose all of their hair.  I agreed to this, but deep down I knew it's just delaying the inevitable.  We then headed to a nearby wig shop, which I will simply describe as "unbeweaveable".  Let's just say that I could have very easily had hair like Beyonce, but I leaned toward something a little more natural looking...not sure when the wig will make it's debut, but it's nice to know it's an option I have.

Since then, my hair has continued to fall out when I touch it or look at it the wrong way, resulting in mini panic attacks and sadness each time.  I'm heading back to the salon after my chemo treatment tomorrow, to finally buzz it off.  It won't be soon enough.

This morning I had an appointment with my oncologist, to get labwork done and ensure that my counts are good for the 2nd chemo treatment.  I also asked the doctor a few random questions:

Should I get a flu shot? No, because even though it's recommended for pregnant women, vaccines aren't recommended during chemo due to lowered immunity.  

When should I get my glucose test (a standard test during pregnancy)?  On a day that you are feeling well, such as 1 week before your next chemo.

Will I get an MRI right after the baby is born, to see if the cancer has spread?  You can if you're really anxious about it, but otherwise I'd just wait until you're done with all of your chemo.  The chemo drugs you're taking now are already targeting cancer cells throughout your body and MRI results wouldn't necessarily change the treatment plan that's already in place.

So those are the highlights from the past few weeks.  I'm pumped and ready for chemo #2 tomorrow and crossing my fingers that things keep moving in a positive direction.  Thanks to everyone for the continued support and prayers, it means more than you know!

First Chemo (Like a BOSS)

I'm now two days past my first chemo treatment.  Here's a recap of how it went:

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Today is chemo day!  In the moments before the alarm went off at 6am, I laid in bed and could feel Sweet Potato moving around pretty actively.  I nudged Jeremy and placed his hand in the right spot, just in time for him to feel kicks for the very first time!  It was a literal reminder that our baby boy is alive and kicking in there, and ready to put up a fight! Exactly what we needed to start the day.

We arrived at the hospital at 8am, got checked in, and a nurse took us to the chemo area. It was actually a pretty nice set-up.  There are a series of little rooms with walls on 3 sides; each nook is equipped with two recliner chairs, a TV, and all the necessary medical equipment.  Jeremy and I were given our own room, though sometimes if there are a lot of patients, both recliners might be used for treatments.  

The nurse gave me a warm blanket (heavenly), checked my vitals, and then got ready to access my port.  She suited up and gave me a protective mask to wear.  Safety first!  She instructed me to take a deep breath and I focused on the clock on the wall, not interested in watching any part of this process.  I definitely felt slight pressure and stinging, but overall it wasn't that bad.  She explained that it should get easier each time.  Jeremy was proud of himself for glancing in my general direction during the process; he figured it was the least he could do and I'm happy to report he didn't pass out!

Ready for the Red Devil

Stealing French Fries

The nurse then set me up with some IV fluids, and left us alone for about an hour. Jeremy nerded out by bringing his ABA textbook to catch up on some reading for his graduate class.  I played on my phone and drank a Capri Sun like an 8-year-old.  

Next up were two anti-nausea meds, which took about another hour to administer.  I think there were also some IV steroids thrown in the mix as well.  

Then it was time for the real stuff...Adriamycin, AKA " the red devil."  I'd heard some stories about this drug, and was admittedly apprehensive about it.  I mean, it obviously doesn't get that nickname for being pleasant! It arrived in a bag covered with warning signs and yellow caution tape.  It's bright red in color, appearing like an IV bag of Hawaiian Punch.  This will be my baby's first cocktail :(

The nurse explained that this drug has a tendency to seep into surrounding tissue when it's being administered.  Therefore, she had to actually sit with me and monitor the IV line every minute to ensure that it wasn't leaking anywhere.  I think this process took about 30 minutes or so.  I was then told that the next several times I use the bathroom, my pee will probably be bright red.  Good to know!  (And yes, if you're curious, this was confirmed shortly thereafter).

After that was another round of fluids, and then the second chemo drug, Cytoxan.  The biggest warning with this drug is that it can affect your kidneys, so staying hydrated is important.  The nurse didn't have to sit and monitor this one, so we ordered some lunch and pretty much relaxed.

I finished with another hefty dose of fluids, and then it was time for me to be dismissed! I got "unplugged," (which didn't hurt at all).  The nurses called in a prescription for Zofran, to address any nausea that might creep up once I'm at home.  We also reviewed all side effects of the meds, and I was told that I'd probably start feeling my worst in about two days.  If I developed a fever of 100 degrees or more, they wanted me to contact my oncologist, as this would be a sign of a developing infection.  

So, 6 and 1/2 hours later, we headed home, and I felt decent.  Tired, but decent.  One treatment down, and three more to go before we get to meet our sweet baby boy!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Because I'm a rule follower and was told to drink lots of water, last night I woke up every hour like clockwork to use the bathroom.  Luckily, I'm stealthy like a ninja so I don't think I disturbed Jeremy too much, as he had to get up at 5:45am and head to work.  

I was given an oral steroid to take once a day, for the two days following chemo.  I believe the purpose of this is to help boost my WBC count, which is important to fight off infection.  The result was that today I felt energized and not sick at all.  I cleaned the toilets, vacuumed the entire house, emptied the dishwasher, went on a blog-writing binge, made a few phone calls and emails, completed some end-of-the-month reports for work, and made dinner.  Yay for productivity!

All in all, the effects from the first treatment haven't been that bad.  But, in talking to others who have already been down this road, it does get more difficult with each subsequent treatment. So for now, I'm just thankful for each day that I feel "normal" and am slowly saving my energy for the days I know I'll be needing it.

Weekend Frenzy

Now that my first chemo was scheduled, I started thinking about the changes that will come with it:  hair loss, feeling like crap, and so on.  Then, I started thinking about the changes that pregnancy will bring:  a growing belly, feeling like crap, and so on.  So then, I started thinking about maternity pictures...you know, the cutesy pictures that you take when you have a beautiful pregnancy glow and perfect little bump?

Well, I had a hard time envisioning that scenario, since my body is beginning to feel so foreign to me.  Taking pictures was the last thing on my mind, considering all of the current BS and a self-esteem that has taken a beating.  But deep down, I knew that Jeremy and I would regret not having any pictures of this time in our lives, even though this chapter is turning out way different than we planned.

So, I decided to contact Root Photography, a husband and wife photography team based in Orlando that I've admired for years.  Seriously, years!  Looking at the calendar, there wasn't much time left to take pictures before my hair starts to fall out, so I knew it was a longshot that they'd have availability on such short notice.  Since Jeremy is back at work, the only time we could go is on a weekend, which is usually when photographers are busy with weddings and other big events.  But, I sent the Roots an email anyway, figuring it was worth a shot.

Lo and behold, someone else had the same idea.  The Roots responded right away, and told me that by some stroke of luck, another person (who wishes to remain anonymous), had just contacted them and told them about our situation.  So, someone out there had the same idea, at the same time, and contacted the same photographers.  We hadn't told ANYONE about this.  What??!! The Roots then informed us that a maternity session was already paid for...all we had to do was pick a date.  Again....what??!!

Long story short, I emailed the Roots back on Friday, 8/22, and we decided that the next day would work best for everyone.  Thus began a 24-hour frenzy of finding something to wear, getting a haircut, and deciding whether or not to stay overnight or drive back home after the session.  

Jeremy's birthday is coming up on September 2nd, so as his early gift, my parents arranged for us to stay overnight at the Swan and Dolphin hotel at Disney.  We turned this into a bit of a weekend birthday celebration, and it was nice to feel relatively normal for a change. We even got a random free upgrade to a balcony room that overlooks Hollywood Studios and had a great view of the fireworks that night. (Thanks again, mom and dad...xoxo)

Saturday morning, I made a last-minute appointment for a haircut, at my usual place in town. We met my parents and mother-in-law for coffee, dropped Charley off for an overnight "staycation," and headed to Orlando.  After checking in at our hotel, I had the bright idea to find a salon about 10 minutes away that offers make-up services.  I don't wear much makeup normally, so I thought it'd be nice to have it done professionally and do a little something to make me feel good about myself.  

I told the woman that I wanted a very natural, clean look.  Here's when I learned that sometimes I trust people way more than I should.  An hour later, I left this place looking like a cross between Snooki, an oompa loompa, and a creepy adult contestant on Toddlers and Tiaras.  NO JOKE.  I was tinted orange from the chest up.  And it was pouring rain outside.  I called Jeremy, who was relaxing at the hotel, and told him to prepare himself for the frazzled, hangry (hungry+angry=hangry) whirlwind that was about the enter the room.  I had about 20 minutes to scrub my face down, reapply makeup in an attempt to look halfway NORMAL, fix my rain-soaked hair, and head to our photo shoot.  I spent the car ride continuing to wipe remnants of orange paste from my neck and ears while Jeremy fed me handfuls of cashews.

We met up with the Roots in downtown Celebration.  They were so friendly and welcoming that from there on out, I began to relax and tried to enjoy the moment.  It was a super hot and humid afternoon; I only lasted about 10 minutes before I had to put my hair up due to the sweltering post-thunderstorm heat.  We'll laugh about this later!  I felt a little strange that I didn't yet have a full baby bump to show off, so we joked that I was posing with a food baby.  We spent an hour taking shots all around town, and then it was time to say goodbye to our new friends. THANK YOU NATHAN AND JENSEY!!  And, sincere thanks to the anonymous person who helped make this happen for us.  Yet again, I've been left speechless.

Jeremy and I headed back to the hotel and got a bite to eat.  We walked around the Boardwalk area and found a bench swing on the beach, looking across the water to the place where we had our wedding reception almost 7 years ago.  So of course, the tears started rolling, followed by Jeremy giving me a pep talk that someday we'll come back here and show our baby boy one of our favorite places.  He's the best <3

Sunday morning we stopped by to visit some good friends for lunch, who we don't get to see very often.  They have the cutest little boy, and as honorary Aunt and Uncle, we make it a point whenever we see him to bring him the most obnoxious gift we can find. Last time it was one of those Fisher Price push-toys that makes an ungodly popping noise when you push it.  Today he got a Disney cookie covered in blue frosting that may or may not have permanently stained his teeth and fingers.  You're welcome, B! ;)

Giving Thanks

Before I move on to other topics, I need to take a moment to give some MAJOR thanks.

If there's anything this experience has taught me so far, it's that there are a lot of good people in the world. From the moment my family first found ourselves on this new path, people have been closing in on all sides to make sure that we had all the support that we needed (even if we didn't yet know just how much we'd need it).

I'm talking...
phone calls
texts
meals prepared by family/friends/strangers
handmade scarves
inspirational books
care packages
cards
flowers
good luck charms
gifts for Sweet Potato
prayers being said across a variety of religions
grocery and restaurant gift cards
donations to fundraising pages
and the list goes on...

Jeremy and I have always prided ourselves on being financially responsible and independent.  We live in a modest townhouse, have decent cars, excellent credit (I am very proud of this), we pay bills and credit cards on time, we stick to a weekly budget, we save up money for travel or emergencies, if we can't afford it we don't buy it, etc. etc.  We're not rich but we're also not stupid.

But then something nasty comes knocking on the door and demands to move in for a while.  Cancer is our new housemate, and doesn't seem to care that we have a baby on the way.  And last time I checked, cancer and babies ain't cheap!  

I've never been in a position like this, and it is very humbling to be okay with accepting help when it's offered.  I have a stubborn personality, and feel like I can take care of everything.  Like, I'm fine...I got it...let's talk about you now!  Heck, I make a living helping people deal with their own daily struggles and am just not used to the tables being turned so suddenly.

There are two special people who have recently set up fundraising pages, to help us deal with the inevitable medical bills that are slowly but surely starting to roll our way.  

My amazing mother-in-law, Debbie, who's pretty much the nicest and most selfless person you'll ever meet, created a page after being asked by her coworkers, friends, and family how they could help.  She has also helped us find some great nursery furniture and other items we need by scouring the internet and jumping on a good deal when she sees it. 
Debbie's FundRazr Page

My sweet friend from high school, Amanda, also created a donation page for people who wish to contribute.  Thank you, Amanda...hugs from afar! And come visit us again soon :)
Amanda's GoFundMe Page

My dear brother, Chris, along with help from my cousin Sam and the rest of our crazy awesome extended family up north, set up a joint checking account for my sister and I to use when we need it.  Chris has really stepped up to the plate and been the best big brother that Sherri and I could ever ask for.  So on behalf of myself and my sister, who is not schooled in the world of blogging, THANK YOU.

My parents, Phyllis and Bill, also deserve a HUGE shout out.  Imagine learning that your oldest daughter has cancer.  And imagine that your daughter's husband is getting ready to have open heart surgery.  Then imagine that one week later, your youngest daughter, who is expecting her first child, calls you up to tell you that she has cancer too.  Mom and dad have been doing an unbelievable job dividing their time and love among all of us sickies. But, they need support as well and I have to keep reminding them that it's okay if they need to take a break.  It's actually a necessity!  So if you know them, please take a moment to remind them how great they are. Because, well, they are :)

I am learning that it's okay to let others help.  But what do you say to all of this?  A simple thank you seems completely underwhelming.  So, my hope is to pay it forward someday when somebody else finds themselves in an unimaginable situation.  I will be there for you, cancer free, with bells on and a healthy baby in tow!